Stranger Than Friction

Sometimes it’s easier to connect with absolute strangers, than it is to feel close to the ones we love. Does that sound weird to you? Let me explain.

I am a divorce lawyer, so I see a lot of relationship problems. Occasionally, I get the chance to see both husband and wife, to try to mediate a solution to the challenges presented by their split. I had just such an opportunity very recently. I was confronted with two really nice people, each with a lot of anger towards the other.

It was so frustrating. Both of them had issues, obstacles in their minds to the harmony that should have existed between them. However, neither of them was able to see their own failings – or rather, the cause of their own inability to repair the relationship damage. They were too close to the problem – too familiar with each other and their feelings towards one another. Each could only see what the other had ‘caused’, in their view. Each was both justified and mistaken, to a degree. I could see what each had been doing for ages, and how they had each built a wall against which they were banging their heads. Neither could see that – so their mutual resentment had grown and grown.

I bet you that if these two people met each other today – as strangers – they would have been attracted to each other. They seemed right for each other, to me. However, it will take a genius of a therapist and a miracle for them to ‘find’ each other again. Sad. Such a waste.

What positive message can we take from this? I think we need to try to look at our nearest and dearest (and ourselves) through the eyes of others, from time to time. How do we do that? By focusing on others, spotting both the good and the bad, non-judgementally, then asking ourselves if we could perhaps be guilty of any of the mistakes we see in others.

I have tried it. It can be quite revealing. It is an exercise that can help any of us to develop greater empathy and will, I have no doubt, make better connectors of each of us.