Stranger Than Friction

Sometimes it’s easier to connect with absolute strangers, than it is to feel close to the ones we love. Does that sound weird to you? Let me explain.

I am a divorce lawyer, so I see a lot of relationship problems. Occasionally, I get the chance to see both husband and wife, to try to mediate a solution to the challenges presented by their split. I had just such an opportunity very recently. I was confronted with two really nice people, each with a lot of anger towards the other.

It was so frustrating. Both of them had issues, obstacles in their minds to the harmony that should have existed between them. However, neither of them was able to see their own failings – or rather, the cause of their own inability to repair the relationship damage. They were too close to the problem – too familiar with each other and their feelings towards one another. Each could only see what the other had ‘caused’, in their view. Each was both justified and mistaken, to a degree. I could see what each had been doing for ages, and how they had each built a wall against which they were banging their heads. Neither could see that – so their mutual resentment had grown and grown.

I bet you that if these two people met each other today – as strangers – they would have been attracted to each other. They seemed right for each other, to me. However, it will take a genius of a therapist and a miracle for them to ‘find’ each other again. Sad. Such a waste.

What positive message can we take from this? I think we need to try to look at our nearest and dearest (and ourselves) through the eyes of others, from time to time. How do we do that? By focusing on others, spotting both the good and the bad, non-judgementally, then asking ourselves if we could perhaps be guilty of any of the mistakes we see in others.

I have tried it. It can be quite revealing. It is an exercise that can help any of us to develop greater empathy and will, I have no doubt, make better connectors of each of us.

Go Fly A Kite!

Are you a keen kite flyer? Perhaps you are a fisherman, ornithologist or a gardener? No? How about skeet-shooting, quad-bike riding, knitting, surfing or photographing post boxes? Still not? Well, it’s time you tried something new and possibly exotic, just for the experience. Take up scuba diving or just go and watch football in the rough pub your mother warned you about. Take up meditation or attend a cooking course. Visit an art exhibition, technical expo or a book launch. Do something that you would not normally dream of doing – I dare you.

What’s my point? Simply, this: If you only do the things you normally do, you are not likely to meet any different people. And if you don’t meet any different people, how are you going to expand the network of people you mix with or do business with?

It’s quite normal to want to mix with the people who make us feel ‘at home’. Nobody feels comfortable when they are in a different environment, amongst strange people. Most of us avoid that experience. It is quite normal for us to seek out the kinds of people we can relate to and feel good with, people we can easily talk to. We avoid being around aliens. This is why people who have planned for years to leave the country (any country – it’s the same experience anywhere) go halfway across the world and come back really quickly, sometimes in a few weeks or months. They are happy to lose the investment and happier yet to be ‘home’, wherever that may be. Odd, even bizarre we say when we see people back from Britain, Australia or Canada, people who moaned about their country and now swear it’s the “best place on earth.”

The thing is, that sort of behaviour – sticking to the ‘safe’, the ‘known’ and the ‘local’ – is for people who will wonder why their life or the market seems finite, difficult to grow. They will never experience the excitement of the different, exotic and sometimes really strange people and ideas you meet in the back roads, far-off towns and foreign cities. They are unlikely to count presidents, traditional leaders or captains of industry and people from all walks of life among their friends or their networks.

If on the other hand you are a person who wants or needs to meet more people, to expand the circle of your acquaintances and grow your business, do something different. Go to a different place or event, reach out and talk to strangers, make new friends or contacts. Experience a different sport or industry, meet the different people who do that for fun or for a living. Venture beyond your comfort zone. Take up hang-gliding, movie-making, trout fishing or darts… or go fly a kite!

Copyright Roger Knowles August 2008

Interesting People Are Everywhere!

Every day those of us in business have the potential to meet plenty of people. Not all of them seem likely prospects for connection – and even less likely candidates for network members. Some look like potential murderers, drug pushers and losers. Others frighten us off with their (supposedly) superior attitudes. We tend to judge and to label, as a matter of course.

How wrong we can be!

On a recent flight to Cape Town I found myself sitting alongside a little Indian man who looked a bit like Ghandi without the personality. I figured – what the heck, it’s a long flight and I’d better break the ice. I did. We got talking. For a change, I remembered to ask questions and just listen. What a revelation! He turned out to be a very interesting man and a great contact to have for my business.

Never miss an opportunity to chat to somebody new. You never know how important that person may be. Besides, every person on this earth has something of interest to say and you need all the practice you can get, so draw their magic out with your ever-improving conversation skills.

Practice In Shallow Water

Very few fisherman go straight out to the deep sea and cast a line for the tune, sharks and other big fish. Most of them have learned the basic skills by fishing in the shallows, for smaller fish.

The same principle applies well to making connections with people. Start 'small' with local people. I don't mean 'ordinary' people any offence here, by the way, but it is easier to engage the local hardware store owner in conversation, than the President of Toyota. it takes a lot less courage too! Practice on these 'little fish'. You may be pleasantly surprised - the little old lady at the 'Homebaked for Children' store might not merely be a pleasant person, she may be the mother of the President of Toyota!

Are Men Better at Networking?

I don’t think it is really debatable, if we are talking about business. Men are better at networking. In fact, there is a ‘glass partition’ keeping women out of the loop in many cases.

Reference is often made to the ‘Boy’s Club’. Women accuse men of supporting each other, even when they aren’t friends. It’s true, I believe. Men do exactly that – in both the personal and business sense. Why?

Men and women connect very differently. Women want to be able to trust someone they connect with, so they seek a deeper connection. They are very good at it, too – much better at making personal ties then men are. And this is their weak spot, in business.

Men on the other hand, tend to seek not trust but respect, as the basis for connection. By definition, most other men must be respected. What’s more, respect can exist even if they don’t like someone. He may be a good fighter, politician, businessman, or leader. Men will tend to respect him. They don’t need to like him. In fact men are less likely than women to seek a deep connection anyway, as they do not ‘do emotion’ to the same extent as women do. They play their cards closer to their chests when it comes to emotion. An essential tactic for a warrior – and most men are still not too far removed form the warrior in their genes (no, not ‘jeans’!).

So, when men meet men, they look for a reason to respect. If they are business-minded, that reason is probably a business one. They take note of what the other guy has done, what position he holds. This is the ideal model for networking – focus on the business issue, leave personal connections for the braai or the matrimonial domain.

Very close, personal networks are built on close personal connections, but broad, business networks are built on ‘Network Focus’, something men are better at. There is no reason why women should not learn the skills however. In fact, many are putting their superior social skills to work and bursting through the ‘glass partition’ to do business like men do. Even better.

If you are a woman who would like to be better at networking, visit the information on “Networking Skills For Women” ad here – xxx.

If you would like to debate any of the points made in this article, please feel free to contact me at rogerk@eastcoast.co.za, or post a comment.

The True Nature of Networking

I have been to many ‘networking events’ where it has been painfully evident that the organisers (and most of the attendees) have no real idea how networking operates.

Networking is not:

• Simply a prospecting exercise, where you cast your net as far as you can and try to sell to everybody you meet;
• A race to press your card into the hand of everybody present;
• An opportunity to try to impress them that you are the best printer, supplier of widgets, loans or other product or service;
• A source of instant business.

The true networker – and there are not that many – knows that networking is a gradual process of building relationships, and expecting to give more than you get. The process goes through a series of stages, from meeting somebody new, getting to know them, briefly mentioning what you do then finding out as much as you can (without interrogation) what the other person does, and what you can do for them. There follows the consolidation period, where you maintain contact, occasionally make reference to your own business and try to contribute something meaningful to the other person’s business or social needs. The idea is to insert yourself in a memorable way into the other person’s circle of friends and acquaintances, so that he or she will know that there is a helpful, sociable person out there who just happens to be the best possible person to supply the product or service you supply, because you are such a pleasure to know and deal with.

If you can achieve this positioning – and you can, with training and practice – you will reap endless rewards, as your contacts pass you on to their contacts, give you the opportunity to meet their circle of acquaintances and enter into a subtle partnership with you to reach out to more people than you ever imagined possible. And the surprising thing is this – properly done, you may benefit greatly without ever having asked that first contact for any business!

Different Yet The Same

All people are different - as individuals, we each have our own unique character. We enjoy different activities, think different thoughts, each have our own particular view of the world. Thank God - the resulting chaos keeps life interesting!

And yet, we are all the same in many ways - we have the same basic needs. We need to be wanted and appreciated. We need the company and approval of others. We need to love and be loved.

You can enrich your life and grow your business by learning to recognise and appeal to the needs of others. if you can connect with enough people through helping to satisfy some of these needs, you will never have a shortage of friends and potential customers. Watch this space for more on this topic - and get connected!